hohohahahehe

came across somewhere... theyre FUNNY! read on :D


WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?" Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".
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THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervousOn the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" ....
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Top 8 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.(sure...thanx for the warning!)
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
7. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
8. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work!)
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Before and after.. :p

Before Marriage - - -
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!

After marriage - - -
simply read from bottom
:D
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His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months.Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
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to be continued... :D